hominivorax: (Default)
Soyeah. This is a special post just for j00 Will, but also for all my flist/fellow antis. This was written a bit ago, so it's kind of rough still,as i haevn't gone back to fix it, but it gets my point across, I think.
Also? h8rs to tha left plz. Twifans get to rant about how sezzy Deadweird is, we get to rant about how much he's really not.
Cut for rantage )
hominivorax: (Dolls=Srs Bznz)
So, yeah. I was at work today and inspiration struck. My boys have some new clothing on the way and one piece is a pant/wrap combo, which is what inspired this whole thing. The various characters my dolls represent do not always get along particularly well and pretty much all enjoy antagonising each other, and this is what came of the mental interactions between some of them. I had to get it all written down, because otherwise I'd have just been sitting around giggling like a loon to myself all day, not that I didn't anyway. So, uh, yeah. Here you go. Read it if you want to, no offence is meant to homosexuals, the Irish or the Fab 5, and Dorian,the twins, Luke, et al are property of me, k thx. (God knows no-one else wants the cranky bastards. XD)

What you need to know:
The various dolls=Various supernatural creatures living under one roof in a sort of boardinghouse that they all ended up at through various means.
The Twins=Twin vampires (don't ask how *that* happened), Sean and Seamus Kavanaugh, who enjoy being snarky assholes to pretty much everyone.
Luke=A human (though whether he is entirely so is becoming questionable) who somehow managed to end up here.
Dorian= a young cambion (er...half-incubus demon/human hybrid) who recently had quite a bad accident in which he lost his wings and badly injured one arm.
Rel & Sheenagh=A hard-ass elven punk and his girlfriend (also an elf)

It’s NOT A Skirt!
The Twins were standing in front of the mirror, staring at it and posing, as though the silver surface might somehow throw their reflections back at them if they angled themselves exactly right. It was Friday night and the vampires were ready to go and do some (literal) lady killing-almost.
“So,” Seamus said, grinning, “Think the ladies are gonna like the new trous?” He smoothed his hand down the brand-new PVC trousers he was wearing. His brother looked down at the identical pair encasing his own body and snorted.
“How the hell should I know? I’m not a woman.”
Seamus opened his mouth to speak .“I-”
“Don’t.” Sean cut him off before he uttered another word.
“Whaaaat? I wasn’t-”
“Yeah, you were. Idiot.”
Seamus pouted at him. “Spoilsport.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Aaaanyway, I think we look good, but we need a woman’s opinion. After all, we don’t exactly show up in mirrors.”
Seamus nodded. “Unfortunate, that. But Sheenagh’s out -”
Sean snorted. “Like the big ugly bastard would let you ask her a question like that without at least threatening to rip your balls off.”
“Not those I’m worried about around him, mate. It’s my a-”
“Uh, right. Anyway, she’s out with Rel and there’s no way I’m asking Geia. So, who else can we-”
The idea struck them both at once. “Luke!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They found him standing in front of the mirror in his room, putting the finishing touches on his makeup and admiring his own new clothing in the mirror. They grinned at each other and snuck up silently behind him, one at each shoulder.
Seamus spoke first. “Hey, Luke, you’re queer, yeah?”
The human jumped, and the liquid liner he’d been using around his eye made a streak down his face.
“Gah! Don’t do that!”
Sean spoke from Luke’s other side. “What, sneak up on you?”
He jumped again. “Yes! And have I mentioned don’t do that!
Sean gave him an unrepentant grin. “Right. Sorry.”, he said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.
Seamus made an impatient noise. “So, answer the question. You’re queer, yeah?”
Luke sighed and rolled his eyes. “I was the last time I checked, yes. Why?” He crossed his arms and eyed them suspiciously.
Seamus grinned at him. “Well, It’s like this, mate. We need a woman’s opinion on something.
The human just stared at him with the vague suspicion that he knew where the conversation was going. “Aaand, you’re bothering me-why? I’m gay, not female.”
Seamus nodded. “Right, you are, which means you’re the closest thing to a woman we’ve got right now.” He said this as though it made perfect sense.
Luke did not see it that way, apparently. “Uh…excuse me?”
Seamus continued. “Yeah. You’re pretty much the woman in the relationship, right, so it’s kind of like asking a woman.”
The human just gaped at him. “I cannot believe you just said that to me. And do I look like one of those Queer Eye guys to you? I am not your personal fashion consultant.
They gave him twin smirks. “Do you really want the answer to that?” Sean asked.
“Because we’d be more than happy to provide it,” Seamus said.
Luke glowered at the twin idiots. “No. shut up, both of you, and go away.”
Seamus gave the human his most innocent look. “Whaaat?”
Luke rolled his eyes. “I swear, one day I’m gonna just ‘accidentally’ trip and plant a stake in your sorry Irish ass.”
Seamus snorted. “Sorry, mate, I don’t swing that way.” He mentally added “-usually.”
Luke just raised an eyebrow and grinned. “That’s not what I heard, pretty boy.”
The vampire gaped at him and sputtered out “You di-I-wha-whatdidyouhear?”
The human just laughed. “Gotcha, blood-breath!”
The vampire glared back at him. “You little human b-”
His twin cut him off. “Oh, come on, Sea, you deserved that one.”
Seamus turned to his brother. “Oi! Whose side are you on, here?”
Sean grinned and crossed his arms. “Mine.”
Seamus mirrored the move and scowled at his brother. “Traitor.”
The human rolled his eyes at the two and sighed, beginning to get frustrated with the idiot undead siblings. “Oh, for the love of-look, you both look great, really. Whatever unfortunate women you run into are going to love you. For a while, at least. Now will you please go away and leave. Me. Alone?
Sean nodded. “Right. Of course. Thanks. Let’s go, Sea, we’ll be late. The vampire headed for the doorway, his brother following close behind, until the latter stopped dead in his tracks.
“Wait a minute! I just realised something!”
“What, that you left your brain in your other pants?”
Seamus rolled his eyes. "Oh, very funny. No, idiot, I just realised-he’s wearing a skirt!”, he said, pointing to the human.
The human sighed, beginning to become annoyed. “I am not wearing a skirt.
Seamus grinned. “Looks very skirt-like from here, mate. Are you a transvestite now, too?
Luke looked even more annoyed. “No, I am not a transvestite! And I am not wearing a skirt!” he exclaimed indignantly.
Sean raised an eyebrow. “I dunno, he’s got a point. It does look a lot like a skirt.”
The human growled. “I am not wearing a skirt. I am wearing pants with a wrap.”
Seamus looked at him, disbelieving. “Those are not pants. There are no legs.”
Luke pointed at his legs, where a good six inch gap and a set of chains joined the legs of the pants to the top of them. “They have legs. They’re attached by chains. Thus, pants.”
Sean snorted. “Those look like some sort of weird leg warmers, not pant legs.”
“And if they’re not attached, then they are not pants, they’re shorts.” Seamus added.
Luke huffed out an exasperated breath. “Fine, then! I’m wearing shorts. With a wrap. Not a skirt.
Seamus sniggered. “Sooo…basically you’re wearing a skort. With leg warmers.
Sean started laughing. “Yep,” he agreed, laughter colouring the word.
The human glared at the pair of them, hands on his hips. “I am not wearing a skirt! You two wouldn’t understand, anyway. This kind of thing is very fashionable in asia. Men wear it all the time.”
Seamus’ brows furrowed. “You mean to say that there’s a whole continent full of men in skirts?”
Luke threw up his arms in exasperation. “GAAAH! I AM NOT WEARING A SKIRT!”
The twins snorted. “Ri-ight. See ya later,” they said and walked out of the room.
Luke stared after them, watching until they were gone from sight. He sighed and looked down at himself. “It isn’t a skirt,” he said with a pout. “Stupid vampires.”
He straightened as Dorian, another of the house’s roommates wandered in. The young half-demon looked up at the human, slightly worried. “I heard arguing. What happened?”
Luke rolled his eyes. “It was just the Twin Terrors being their usual idiotic selves. Nothing to worry about.”
The dark skinned creature nodded and scratched at his bandaged arm. “Oh, right. Nothing unusual, then.” His eyes flicked over the human’s body, pausing momentarily to stare at his pants. ‘Uh, Luke-san?”
“Yes, Dorian?” He thought he knew what was coming. He was right.
“Uh…why are you wearing a skirt?”
“Gah! I give up!“ The human slumped to the floor, head buried in his hands.
Dorian just stared at him, puzzled, and scratched at his bandage.



OMAKE: Pants
Seamus sat at the table looking thoughtful. “You know, I can’t help but wonder-why do they call it a pair of pants when it is very clearly only one piece of clothing?
Sean immediately responded. “Duh, dumbass, because at one time each leg was a separate piece of clothing. A person would wear two of them, so- ‘pair of pants’. The name stuck even after they became one piece.
Seamus snorted. “It is so sad that you actually know that.”
“Hey, you asked.”

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